They say that you’re enough. Coaches, therapists, spiritual advisors. That’s what I say too: You’re more than enough, be compassionate towards yourself.
But what if it doesn’t ring true?
If you have to hustle to finish everything by the end of the year, need to tackle your work or school, handle housework and prepare for seasonal celebrations, and the only thing you can manage without forcing yourself is lying on the coach scrolling through social media. How can that be enough?
Sometimes people say that there’s no point in dwelling in the past. That it’s better to move on and leave the past behind.
There’s some truth in that, but I’d say it’s not the whole story. It’s true that constantly worrying about the past doesn’t help, if you’re only dwelling on it without true connection to your emotions and experience.
On the other hand, not all things can just be left behind without facing and processing them.
“I’ll manage”, you may think.
In the middle of a pandemic, with all the restrictions on normal life, in a stressful job – or no job at all, in difficult relationships. There’s always someone who has it worse, right? Someone who really needs help.
So you just kind of withdraw and see how it goes. Wait until things get better. Maybe in a few weeks, or maybe by summer?
Do you often opt out of doing things because you’re afraid of failing? Not try something out because you feel you can’t or don’t know how? If fear of failure is stopping you from living your life, it’s likely you’re missing out on a lot of experiences.
You might have feelings of shame or insecurity around your abilities or competence, and it can be difficult to even notice how restrictive those feelings are. But it’s possible to turn the difficult emotions to find joy, playfulness and willingness to experiment.
Do you find yourself often overthinking your life choices? Whether or not you should stay in this relationship, find a new job or stay in this one, move across the country or start studying…
There are so many big choices, and even more small ones. When your choices are big and important, it can be hard to make a choice at all. Maybe you’ve been thinking about finding a new job for years, but never take concrete steps towards that goal. Or you choose the job that seems more sensible and acceptable, ignoring the small voice inside that was considering something else. Or you just drift around, accepting whatever floats your way, without paying much thought whether or not it’s what you want.
What’s common in all these scenarios is that you’re not listening to yourself and what you really want.
Why not?
Recently I was surprised when I was venting my emotions in a Facebook group. I was feeling overwhelmed and frankly I was resisting and avoiding everything constructive and helpful.
Sounds quite tiresome, doesn’t it?
Isn’t it true that difficult emotions need to be hidden from view and you shouldn’t trouble others with them, people don’t want to deal with your baggage? Many have learned as children that when you’re happy you’ll be accepted – nobody wants to hear about you anger, fear and disappointment.
Has it happened to you that you’ve spend a fun night out and felt free to be yourself, but the next day you start thinking more carefully about what you did and said. The ever-present worry starts raising its head: What did people think?
It’s easy to spend days worrying about it. Even if nobody says anything or acts any differently around you afterwards, you might still blame yourself for showing your true self to other so freely. What if it backfires?
Remember that blunder from years ago, the one that still makes your stomach clench when you think about it? When you go back to the situation in your mind, you can still vividly remember what it felt like, and you want to sink underground just thinking about it.
When it happened, you would go over it it in your mind again and again, wondering how you could’ve been so stupid. And now, years later, it still comes back to haunt you. Even though you don’t think about it as often as you used to, the feeling of shame is still strong and may even affect the way you relate to other people. Especially if they were there when it happened.
A friend of mine often worries about his past mistakes like this. He said that the shameful acts and words feel like a brand imprinted on him: Defining him in a way that’s still painful after all the years.
